Reviewed by Andres De La Hoz

There's a lot of puns I could try to use comparing this movie to its title. But I won't go into such cheap measures. Instead, I'll just be blunt: This movie is bad, folks. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad. I'm talking objectively bad here. This isn't one of those cases were it's evil Andres and a "type of movie I don't like". Nah. This is bad, I'm right, you're all wrong. It's kinda sad, too, since Jeff had improved considerably with his movie Date Rape, which I actually gave a favorable review to. This is not only a step backwards; it's planting your foot on a fucking landmine and watching yourself explode in a million pieces.

As most of you are all aware of, Shit Happens is a movie about several separate stories which eventually reunite. We have Rob, who's angry at being fired and thus decides to take drastic action; we have the Weatherbees, who are having marital and family problems; we have Tom Cing, who's having problems getting a job (or not, I might be getting confused), and lots of more zany and wacky characters. The movie starts off with their storylines completely separate, but they start slowly joining up until we find all of our characters reunited in a single spot, where Rob has them all held up at gunpoint, and then some crazy bonding ensues, along with healthy doses of comedy and drama. Well, in theory.

Sometimes, I don't even understand what the hell Jeff is thinking. Visually, this movie is a goddamn insult. It's an insult to me and everyone who's watching. Look, I can understand Jeff not being "too skilled" with the program. I can understand Jeff being lazy. But the degree of incompetence witnessed in this movie is just baffling. If I had uploading space, I'd make this review just pictures, because words can't illustrate how awful this movie is. I mean seriously, this shit has got to stop Jeff. I understand that you're not the best animator ever, but that doesn't mean you can just release these pieces of shit and expect the community to turn a blind eye to how goddamn lame they are simply because you made them. This movie is a joke. The level of laziness is just sickening. Look at part 3, scene 60. There is a washroom. Instead of putting some mildly decent letters to show it's a washroom, Jeff just puts a text that says "washroom" in the default font with the default color. Just plain comic sans lettering saying "washroom". That wasn't the first time, though. This was just the culmination of a movie's worth of animator's nightmares. Let's not even mention buildings from the exterior.

Actually, let's mention them, since there's the fun. A big box saying "Bob's Gunshop". What the fuck is wrong here? I could make better handmade scenes when I was 12, goddamn it. 12. And Jeff's 20. This shit is simply inexcusable and you know it. Don't give me this bullshit about this being the "charm" of Jeff's movies. It's about as charming as when babies make figures out of shit: not charming at all. It goes on, and on, and on. Scene construction is kindergarden-like. Chairs float in mid-air. It's absurd. Go to part 3, scene 33. A character's walking, and he just stops in mid-action and stays there for the rest of the scene. What are you, mentally retarded? Are you unable to spend 2 fucking seconds going to the actions menu and changing his action to "rest"? Is that too fucking hard? Too much to ask? Stop it, just fucking stop it. It's ridiculous. And the worst part is, many people just turn a blind eye to this kind of stuff, but when a newbie releases a movie, you can't wait to complain about his animation, right? When Killing Ramza Brave was released, everyone was talking about how shitty the animation was. But here, it's all "the animation's bad but you kinda get used to it, hyuck hyuck". Screw that, I'm never getting used to this sorry excuse for 3dmming. I can't possibly understand how it could take years to make this hunk of rotting crap. And the funny thing is, Jeff is completely incompetent at even basic tasks such as changing characters' actions when they're supposed to (put your goddamn feet on the ground), but he actually tries to be ambitious. Just see the scenes were Jeff tries to make rotating cameras. Why? Why does he even try?!? He knows he can't do it, he knows he can't do anything, so why?

The thing that manages to make my blood boil the most here is that it's not like a better job couldn't have been made if there wasn't this misguided idea that this stuff is "charming" or "part of Jeff's style". All that was needed to be done was ask a few people to make the scenery for Jeff. It's not like the scenery changes that much; he just recycles those rooms that look like they came out of a Picasso painting with their brilliant geometry over and over again, right? So why not ask a few people for help in all the scenes? No, instead he opts to have someone direct some scenes of the movie, and they're in such contrast to the surrounding shitfest that they themselves become shit simply because they make such a jarring contrast that every cavity in my body starts squirting blood.

Of course, many will argue that I'm being unfair to poor old Jeff, and that maybe I should calm down in my reviews. Go fuck yourself. I dish it out in exactly the level that is deserved. If it were some newbie whose movie had gotten universally bad reviews, I would probably be negative, but not cruel. If it's some newbie who's getting too many good reviews, I'll offer a cruel brake, but not without encouraging words. If it's someone who's made a few movies already, I'm sure he can take some cruel criticism via idiotically gimmicky reviews (Hi Jeremy and Santiago, Hi Jordi). But this is a fucking veteran whose movies have less work put into it than what I used to do at age 12. It's absurd. I don't understand how it could possibly take Jeff more than, say, 3 weeks to construct this piece of crap. 3 years? If you had 3 years, you could at least have fixed the scenery before releasing it, Jeff. But nooooooo.

Then again, many people agree with me on these aspects. They simply look into the movie's story or humor, saying "look, if you can get past it, it works". Ok, I got past it, after excruciatingly watching through the horrible directing. And for what? For the story and humor?!? "best 3dmm drama ever"? "made me cry"? What the fuck?!? What movie did you guys watch? This was a piece of shit of epic proportions.

I guess this is a mixture between comedy and drama. Funnily enough, there is zero comedy in this movie. Zero. There's nothing. I didn't even fucking chuckle once. I didn't even understand if there were actual parts in this movie that were supposed to be funny. Well no actually, there were some parts obviously intended to be funny, like the resume scene. But the level of comedy was so appalling that it just made me hate the movie even more for being so fucking unfunny. Too bad, because the only thing that made Jeff's movies remotely tolerant was the occasionally funny dialogue and events. So, if there's no comedy (none of any worth, I mean), that means the movie has to rely on storyline and drama. And it doesn't fare completely bad, at first. I'll let that stupid beating scene slide and say that at least the movie was moderately entertaining during the first 2 parts. Of course, part of that entertainment is of the "I can't believe how fucking stupid these events are" variety, but at least it's something, right? None of the events make a whole lot of sense, the movie has that typical "Jeff Ching movie" fantasy (like the taxi, for example) which completely blows, and the characters aren't exactly too appealing. Then, all of the storylines gather. And here is where the movie loses anything that it had going for it and devolves into a massive blob of stupidity.

You see, this is the part of the movie were I was expecting the usual. What's the usual? Well, characters bonding, getting to know and respect each other, being buddies, making realizations about their own lives, etc. And yes, it happens.

In like 5 minutes.

Seriously.

That was it. Like 3 idiotic scenes in which Rob acts as some psychologist Everyone solves their problems in ONE ATTEMPT. That was it. Easy as that. "I'm sorry dad, I'm a whinny bitch". "oohh i'm your wife and i was too much of a fucking idiot to understand how bad you were wahhahah". "you got yourself a brand new job, sport!". Fuck me, this was the most vomit-inducing thing I've seen in 3dmm in a long time. You guys call this "the best 3dmm drama ever"?!? Or a "great drama"? Or "a good drama"? Or "a decent drama"? Or "a drama that doesn't make me want to wrap myself up in steaks and run towards a pack of hungry wolves"? This is a piece of shit. The script is awful. It's completely ridiculous and predictable. These people have no problems. They solve them in 4 seconds, for god's sake. How am I supposed to have sympathy with some goddamn loser who wants to kill himself one minute and is crying with his father the next? Where's the plot, Jeff? Where's the EVENTS?!? Nothing happened, everybody just kissed and made up in a stupid, stupid way. And there was no tension either, Rob just stood there and the police didn't try anything, nor did he even watch most of those people. Not to mention that handy camera he had there to catch one of the guys doing something bad, right? What the hell was that? It was the most absurd plot development that could have possibly happened. The whole thing is stupid and badly told. When the characters hugged after Rob was going to free them, the only thing that crossed my mind was "do these people even fucking know each other?" How long had they been there, a half hour? The storyline was a failure.

So we already clarified that the story is shit. But maybe the characters sustain it, right? No. Every character is a one dimensional cartoon. Look at Mr. Penn. Look at his scenes (particularly the homeless scenes), his comments, his dialogue. There is NO DEPTH WHATSOEVER. There isn't even any SENSE to this character. The character can be defined in a simple word: ASSHOLE. The guy is just an asshole who does assholish things for no reason other than to reach the movie to it's completely retarded end. And every character is like that: a boring shadow with nothing going for them. Everyone's personality seemed to be "pathetic wuss", too, which didn't exactly help the proceedings.

The drama is pathetic. Unfortunately, Jeff plays this one out like it's TITANIC. "Ohhhh, I love you", (mopey piano music plays in the background, and too loudly), "ooohhh, boohooo, you hadn't even appeared in the whole movie but you're everything to me". Ching, think. Think, for heaven's sake. How are we supposed to care about characters who haven't been developed in any meaningful way? It just ends up making the movie worse, because you can practically feel Jeff's hand crawling out of the screen and trying to put an onion under your fucking face so that you'll cry. But guess what? It's not going to work. It's not going to work if these incompetent losers that are the main characters aren't developed, no matter how much you animate them crying. I can't believe some of you people. You cried over this movie?!? What movie were you reconstructing in your head to be able to care for these characters so that you'd cry? Because there were no characters here, just a bunch of walking plot devices that no one except the easily brainwashed should be even getting mildly emotional about.

So the dialogue and story are shit, and the characters suck. You'd at least expect them to be voiced well, right? Right? Wrong. In what would be a surprisingly bad decision for any other movie, but which is just common in this sea of ineptitude, Jeff decided that if someone couldn't finish their voices, someone would finish the voices for him. Why not redo the whole thing, Ching? Why? WHY? WHY?!? Sometimes I couldn't even understand who was talking to who, the voices just completely switched in the middle of a conversation. What is this shit? Why do you even think you can manage to get away with this? The voice acting itself wasn't too bad, but really, there's no possible way it wouldn't be bad in the context of the movie. Like in the end, with Jaymond's monologue. Hey, Olivier, stop crying and calm the fuck down. The scene doesn't work. It's laughable. And it's laughable because it's stupidly manipulative in a way I didn't even think was possible. It's been a year, and this guy knew Rob for what, 2 seconds? And he's bawling his eyes out and calling him the best man he ever met even though he had battered a guy and kidnapped a bunch of people? What the fuck is this crap?

In conclusion, I hate you all with a burning passion.

1.5/5