Reviewed by Andres De La Hoz

Up until a month ago, I thought Gnomes was a comedy. I mean, it's a movie about goddamn lawn gnomes, what else can it be about other than about laughter and joy? But as it turns out, not only is this movie not about lawn gnomes, it's actually a horror film. Yes, you can stop laughing now. It's a horror movie about gnomes. And in what can only be considered a virtuous display of directing, this unintentionally hilarious premise actually works. What we have here is the best horror movie ever made in 3dmm. What we have here is a movie that in many occasions is worthy of a 5/5. But at the same time, we have the typical 3dmm flaws that bring that rating down and into the reality of our own limitations.

The "plot" of the movie is actually more of a plot than mostly any 3dmm movie can claim to have. It's quite simple, really. A guy and his family moves in to a new house near the woods. He meets some people, there's some exposition, and the shit hits the fan. Now, there's two ways you can look at this. One is you can compare it to real movies. The other one is you can compare it to other 3dmm movies. This is an important distinction, more so than in many other 3dmm movies. Why? Easy. The script is mediocre. The reason why the script is mediocre is because it's a 1 and a half hour movie crammed into 20 minutes. Therefore, you can feel that things are off; scenes should be longer, there should be more of this, more of that, etc. At the same time, you can compare this to other horror movies in 3dmm. Horror movies in 3dmm don't even have a script. Most people are happy with retarded gore (like I was in 1999) or in stupid mindfuck movies. This one actually tries to have a script. With lines. A structure. The whole she-bang. And you know what? At least they're trying.

In my last review (the shredding I applied to Shit Happens) I mentioned that one of its bad aspects was how it handled growing relationships between characters. This is easily noticeable in this movie. The bond between the two main characters grows out of nowhere. And this is a pet peeve of mine, one of those little details in 3dmm movies that I always notice and shake my fist at. Thankfully, we were spared sex or even kissing. I don't even know the ages of the characters (probably 12 or something, the kid sounded like a wuss), so bear with me if those concepts would be sickening to them. That's the main problem the whole thing presents (script-wise). It's like if you took a full-length movie and cut out some scenes. You can see that technically, the plot is good, but there should have been more dialogue scenes, hell, more scenes in general. Unlike most movies, I wanted to see more here, instead of wanting the anguish to end. The truth is, though, most of these script problems didn't deter my enjoyment. I'd think about the odd scenes, and quickly I'd forget and get back to the dramatic music and the tense shit going on. So they don't really bring the rating dramatically.

Directing-wise there's really not much to complain about here. Storch is pretty close to becoming the best director in the community, and I know if we give this kid some time, he's going to make some classics that'll make me wish I still watch movies when they're released. This is one tense movie, I tell you. And considering it's about fucking gnomes, that is quite the achievement. Everything worked: angles, visual hues, camera movement, everything. I could hardly pick a single flaw in the directing of this movie throughout most of its runtime. It's kinda hard to write a positive review because what can you say other than "gee golly, this was awesome"? I particularly enjoyed the way the gnomes wouldn't be shown, and the way everything was so dark. Storch's got a great handle of how to make a scene creepy, and I'm sure we'll be seeing more great stuff by him.

I would dedicate a section to talk about this movie's score, because it was partly composed for the movie, but to tell you the truth, I have no idea which parts were composed by Andrew and which parts were taken from other composers, so I'll just say the music always fitted, except for where I'll be discussing now.

I already mentioned that the script problems didn't really affect my enjoyment of the movie that much. And the directing was for the most part superb. So what the fuck affected it, huh?!? Easy.

(SPOILERS)
You see, there's this giant problem with 3dmm movies. And that problem can easily be pinpointed: the ending. Most 3dmm movies, from the lame ones to the absolute classics, have lame endings that don't feel like climaxes, because the better scenes already happened. And this is unfortunately the case with Gnomes. The movie builds up the tension in such a successful way that you're expecting an awesome climax that'll send shivers down your spine and hit this movie right out of the ballpark. But nah. Can't have that, can you? The idea for the ending isn't that bad, scriptwise. It's still kinda lame, because it lacks a release for all the tension. The movie's been jacking you off for a quarter of an hour, and just when you think it's gonna make you come, it just slows down and leaves you out in the open, still waiting to get that release. And here is where Storch's direction steps down from its podium of greatness and descends back into typical-land. There could have probably been a way to make this uneventful ending be thrilling and dramatic, but there's just too many flashes and black scenes for it to work. It fails to be tense, and fails to make much out of the old guy's sacrifice. It's just there. And the music is just there too. Doesn't really fit that well. The whole ending feels a bit rushed, if I might say. And while the last shot of the movie was quite a sight, it's not satisfying. At all.
(END SPOILERS)

This is one movie were you need to watch it clear of what the director's (and writer's) objectives were (of course, you're free to dislike their objectives and hate the movie for them). Here, the objective is to scare, to create fear, and to make a little horror film. The objective isn't to create fully-rounded characters or powerful drama. If it had some, good for it, but if it doesn't, I'm not going to cry over it. This isn't profound theatre, it's a little horror movie about psycho gnomes, for god's sake. I dunno what you're expecting from it, but I got what I expected.

4.5/5